With fingernails that shine like justice...

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass, she is fast, thorough and sharp as a tack. She is touring the facility and picking up slack...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Counting Grammas

This post by ACW reminded me of a story my mom tells about her mother.

First a little background on Gramma...
She was a foul mouthed, liquor swilling, chain smoking, sailor fucking, child beating cunt who was married more times than my mom can remember.

One day some Jehovah's Witnesses came to her door to witness to/convert her. Barely awake at noon, dressed in a housecoat and slippers, she answered the door. She was her usual surly self and told them to "Fuck off !" and slammed the door. These folks were not passive, "Please take a Watch Tower" kind of JWs and persisted knocking on the door.

She flung open the door, exasperated and acting as though she had caved to their pleas to listen. "So?!" With arms crossed, holding a glass of freshly poured scotch, cigarette dangling from her mouth, she leaned against the door frame, waiting impatiently for them to finish.

"Still not interested, now go away." And with that, she retreated back into the darkness of the house.

The lady JW followed her shadow through the curtains to the kitchen, then knocked on the window next to the chair where she sat at the table, affixing Raleigh cigarette coupons to a redemption booklet. The lady JW implored her..."But don't you want to be a lamb of God?!"

With that, my grandmother got up, went to the door and calmly opened it. With hands on hips, declared at the top of her lungs...."I am a lamb of God!...

Screaming, and flailing her arms, she chased them out of her yard, never to return.