With fingernails that shine like justice...

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass, she is fast, thorough and sharp as a tack. She is touring the facility and picking up slack...

Friday, May 27, 2005

Use and Abuse

Let me preface this post by saying this is my OPINION. Certain "groups" may work for some people. If you want to lambast me for my opinion, be reminded of the Go Fuck Yourself button located at the bottom right sidebar. Now...the post:

This post comes about as a result of reading ACW's posts about drug use and abuse. I believe you can do one without the other. But if one becomes the other, its YOUR fault. It is NOT a DISEASE. You just let things get out of hand.

There was a time when I could be called an addict. But no more. I don't buy that "once an addict always an addict" crap.

Twenty-something years ago, I did LOTS of coke. Up to two grams a day. Little by little, I completely ran out of money and lost my plush apartment, car, blah, blah, blah, etc...Some people at work saw I was a mess and I was told that in order to keep my job I would have to stop using and go to a 12 step program. Knowing I needed to stop using, and wanting to keep my job, I agreed. We went to a meeting that day.

It was on that day that I stopped using cocaine.
But not for the reasons you might think.

I walked into an NA meeting and saw nothing but a bunch of caffeine and nicotine addicted meeting junkies. They were pathetic. And as they got up and talked, it only got worse...."I can't hold a job, I can't keep a relationship, etc.....all because I am an addict"....What a bunch of whiners! Ever think that all your troubles are because you don't try hard enough or that you expect too much from others?! These people didn't seem to want to be free of anything....they clung to the past as an excuse to explain their shitty present.

And all the other stuff...Serenity Prayer? Surrender? Things I cannot change? One day at a time? Higher Power?? What BULLSHIT! This wasn't self help.... It was RELIGION!

I made a DECISION, right then and there, to stop using. I would no longer be addicted to drugs....or to going to meetings about not doing them.

I MADE A CHOICE. A choice based in logic.

I haven't done cocaine since that day. I quit my job instead of lying about attending the meetings. I got an even better job. Then I met the Hubs.
We married, moved on, and eventually had Blaine. I have not looked back, or blamed my inadequacies on things I once did because I was young and foolish. I have taken CONTROL of my life, by CHOOSING to do so.

I do not live "one day at a time".... I look to the future, bright with promise. I don't prescribe to the "trading one addiction for another" philosophy, either. I still drink wine with dinner almost every night. I have been drunk, maybe 4 times , in the last 20 years. If I had continued to attend meetings, I think the trade philosophy may have been correct. But once again, logic prevailed.

I think that groups like AA and NA work for some people. I also think that those folks are also more likely to be religious. That does not work for me. Logic works for me. I have problems....I fix them. I do not surrender my life to a higher power. I take the reins of life in my own hands, knowing that I can steer it in the direction it needs to go. The CHOICES I make define my life and my future.

I OWN my life and surrender to nothing!