Bipolar is not a white bear that goes both ways

If you haven't been around this blog, you may not know I'm bipolar. Hell, if you met me on the street I bet you still wouldn't know. That is because the wonder of modern medical science and the invention of mood stabilizers.

Without them, I am a rapid cycler. I could go from the depths of despair one day, to the pinnacle of lunacy the next. Some days I could be the weepy haus frau zoning out to untold hours of snow on the tube. Other days, I am a so high I audibly buzz like a power line, scrubbing the already clean bathtub at 3AM, while simultaneously coloring my hair and alphabetizing my pantry.

Coming back from the darkness is like leaving a movie theater on a bright summer day...you have to squint and shade your eyes until they adjust to the light. Thats what the first few weeks on a new med is like. Entering the light slowly, as not to be consumed by it.

I don't blog about EVERYTHING, so you guys don't really have a complete picture of what is happening to me. Its sort of funny that one of my favorite tv programs is currently addressing my issue....Six Feet Under...I'm like Billy.

I stopped taking my meds a few weeks ago. I know it was stupid. I knew that it would have consequenses. If you are medicated, you might understand...Sometimes you feel stunted, held back, pent up, just not right...I felt slighted by my meds. Like my life would be more fun, I would be more creative, I would get more done without them...

You go off your meds. You rationalize..." A little mania would really help me get some things done around here. "

You know its wrong, because you don't tell anyone. You keep it secret. You think you are okay, you don't need this shit, that its just a crutch....You'll show them...

Everything seems fine for the first few days. You are in control. Then the residual meds in your system wear off. Its kinda like the beginning of a roller coaster ride...traveling slowly up the incline...tickticktick..."This isn't bad at all, its comfortable, down right pleasant...." Then WHOOSH! You are completely at the mercy of the ride.

Well, I've learned my lesson...
Stop the ride, I wanna get off.

*also...Fuck off, Tom Cruise, you don't know shit.