Poison

I realize that last post seems a bit hateful. It is.

A terrible thing to realize about yourself, hatefulness.

I don't like to think of myself that way. Something about the way that man makes me feel...sickening. I've decided that I don't really hate him. I pity him...because he will never know what a great kid Blaine is, because he never gave me a chance. Judged me, merely by the shape I happen to be. We aren't talking mean fat jokes, here. I can handle myself with a fat joke or two. We are talking cruelty. We are talking demeaning comments made, in the presence of others, with no other intent but to hurt me. And what I don't understand is that NOBODY ever questions or corrects him. Its like they are all afraid of him. I bet he tortured animals when he was a child.

Some think I am the one that should avoid him, but that I should not keep Blaine from visiting. But the way I see it, is that he is poison. I would never give my child poison.

I tried getting over it, not letting it bother me. We even visited a couple years ago. But I couldn't handle it. He didn't say anything about me on that visit, but was poisonous just the same...spoke of niggers, spics and fags, said Hubs could have done more with his life...my ears burning every time he opened his foul mouth. It was then, just after dinner, that I packed up our stuff and told Hubs we were leaving...that if his mother wanted to see us, she could visit the hotel where we would be staying. I couldn't have my child in that house another moment.

We haven't been back since. I know it is painful for Hubs' mom, and I am sorry for that. She has an open invitation to visit us anytime she pleases, without her husband. She has yet to take us up on the offer. We talk often on the phone, and I send pictures regularly. But Blaine won't ever really know this grandmother.

It makes me sad.