P.S.S.

Poison

I realize that last post seems a bit hateful. It is.

A terrible thing to realize about yourself, hatefulness.

I don't like to think of myself that way. Something about the way that man makes me feel...sickening. I've decided that I don't really hate him. I pity him...because he will never know what a great kid Blaine is, because he never gave me a chance. Judged me, merely by the shape I happen to be. We aren't talking mean fat jokes, here. I can handle myself with a fat joke or two. We are talking cruelty. We are talking demeaning comments made, in the presence of others, with no other intent but to hurt me. And what I don't understand is that NOBODY ever questions or corrects him. Its like they are all afraid of him. I bet he tortured animals when he was a child.

Some think I am the one that should avoid him, but that I should not keep Blaine from visiting. But the way I see it, is that he is poison. I would never give my child poison.

I tried getting over it, not letting it bother me. We even visited a couple years ago. But I couldn't handle it. He didn't say anything about me on that visit, but was poisonous just the same...spoke of niggers, spics and fags, said Hubs could have done more with his life...my ears burning every time he opened his foul mouth. It was then, just after dinner, that I packed up our stuff and told Hubs we were leaving...that if his mother wanted to see us, she could visit the hotel where we would be staying. I couldn't have my child in that house another moment.

We haven't been back since. I know it is painful for Hubs' mom, and I am sorry for that. She has an open invitation to visit us anytime she pleases, without her husband. She has yet to take us up on the offer. We talk often on the phone, and I send pictures regularly. But Blaine won't ever really know this grandmother.

It makes me sad.

P.S.S. A little too close to home

I didn't go because I thought you'd be ashamed to be seen with me. I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your relatives. Your stepfather is a cruel little speck on the ass of humanity. You should have stood up for me.

That was then, this is now. Now, I couldn't give a rat fuck what people think of me. But, I will protect my daughter from your stepfather's cruelty. You mother is welcome to visit US, but as long as that man breathes, we will not step foot in his house.

Shittles

A few weeks ago, I was complaining that I'd been busting my ass at derby for the last 3 months and hadn't lost one single, solitary, fucking pound...It was pissing me off. I don't like scales, and hadn't weighed myself since.

Last night some of the girls commented that it looked like I'd lost some weight. I just rolled my eyes and said,

"Shyeah, right, whatever."...
and continued on with practice.

When I got home, I stepped on the scale for shits & giggles(forevermore referred to as "shittles"), lo and behold...

I've lost 17 pounds!!

I don't want to sabotage myself by getting to excited about it, though. Because honestly, I'm not doing roller derby to lose weight.

I'm doing it because I like to hit people.

Fat Bottomed Girls...

Sure we make the rockin' world go round.....

but, apparently, we must do so naked, or dressed like shit. Today, I looked every-fucking-place to find SOMETHING that qualifies as "cute derby attire" for Sunday's practice(The paper's gonna be there, yo) and found NOTHING. I'm so fucking depressed right now.

That's all. Thanks for listening to the fat girl bitch.