With fingernails that shine like justice...

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass, she is fast, thorough and sharp as a tack. She is touring the facility and picking up slack...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Counting Grammas

This post by ACW reminded me of a story my mom tells about her mother.

First a little background on Gramma...
She was a foul mouthed, liquor swilling, chain smoking, sailor fucking, child beating cunt who was married more times than my mom can remember.

One day some Jehovah's Witnesses came to her door to witness to/convert her. Barely awake at noon, dressed in a housecoat and slippers, she answered the door. She was her usual surly self and told them to "Fuck off !" and slammed the door. These folks were not passive, "Please take a Watch Tower" kind of JWs and persisted knocking on the door.

She flung open the door, exasperated and acting as though she had caved to their pleas to listen. "So?!" With arms crossed, holding a glass of freshly poured scotch, cigarette dangling from her mouth, she leaned against the door frame, waiting impatiently for them to finish.

"Still not interested, now go away." And with that, she retreated back into the darkness of the house.

The lady JW followed her shadow through the curtains to the kitchen, then knocked on the window next to the chair where she sat at the table, affixing Raleigh cigarette coupons to a redemption booklet. The lady JW implored her..."But don't you want to be a lamb of God?!"

With that, my grandmother got up, went to the door and calmly opened it. With hands on hips, declared at the top of her lungs...."I am a lamb of God!...

Screaming, and flailing her arms, she chased them out of her yard, never to return.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Ai Chihuahua!!

From the brilliantly twisted mind of AntiBlogger comes
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

And all she got was a crappy coin

Happy 85th Birthday, 19th Amendment!!

Thank You, Susan B. Anthony and all the suffragettes!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


I added a new button! Go visit Rock'n'Roll Camp for Girls!

Thursday, August 25, 2005


7 things
I plan to do before I die:

1. Go to my wake...its a family tradition
2. Go to Fiji...or some other tropical paradise where its okay to be fat
3. Fry on sugar cubes dosed with liquid LSD....one last time
4. Not give a shit what my mother thinks...like thats gonna happen
5. Witness my only child fall in love with her true soulmate
6. Get a tattoo...I just haven't found the perfect design or perfect artist yet
7. See Blaine on the cover of Rolling Stone

7 things
I can do:

1. Use a public toilet without touching it...one of the most valuable lessons my Mom ever taught me
2. Leave the house without make-up
3. Pay for playground equipment with soup labels
4. Make a gourmet meal out of Top Ramen and leftovers
5. Fight for my rights now, so Blaine will have rights later
6. Bend all my fingers at the first knuckle
7. Recite the lyrics to every CAKE song...after explaining that CAKE is a VERB, not a noun....as in, to cake it on

7 things
I can’t do:

1. Drive without music...if alone, drive without LOUD music
2. Anal sex...so quit asking, Hubs
3. Vote Republican
4. Light a gas grill without it going--PWOOF!
5. Listen to music without bobbing my head or tapping the steering wheel
6. Keep long fingernails...I said they shined...I never said they were long
7. Shop at Walmart(is the devil)

One Digit / 7 things
I say most:

1. I hate this couch
2. I love you, PunkyButt
3. Iced grande, quad shot, sugarfree mocha...nonfat, no whip, 2 straws
4. Are you bleeding? Is the house on fire? Then why are you talking to me while I'm ON THE PHONE?!
5. I love you, Bob...uh..Hubs...I love you, Hubs...heh heh
6. I'm gonna fold those clothes today...really
7. The light is green...would you FUCKING GO?!

Thanks to HM Hussy over at Recreational Use for tagging me...normally I don't do memes, so the tag stops here....steal it if you want, but I tag nobody.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Whats next? An old folks home for freedom fighters?

I'm officially middle-age...at least according to my optometrist. I need glasses.


When did this happen? I felt fine a couple of days ago. Now, all of the sudden, I'm cold all the time. I'm wandering the house, grumbling about the light bill and turning off lights. My shoes are uncomfortable. I clicked off the new channel, Current, with a "Bah!...it goes too fast!" Plus, I have been unusually concerned about fiber.

Who the hell is this old lady? And how did she get into my clothes and inside my head?

I thought getting older was a gradual process. It seems to have happened to me overnight.

The solution? Not sure.
I will start with some LOUD music and TEQUILA!

Friday, August 19, 2005


Hey Blogger! Flag THIS!!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
I happen to find blogs that cram christ down my throat and those that promise lowcost software and the like offensive...I will be flagging the shit outta those! Will Blogger add those to the unlisted list?! Mother fuckers.

This one is for Blog Ho...

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Lets confuse the crap outta Blogger....FLAG EVERY SITE YOU VISIT...Starting with mine!


Hubs brought home a killer deal last night! He bought a patio set on clearance. Way, way, way, friggin' clearance!!

I am in awe of his bargain finding ability, and his quick thinking. This ALMOST makes up for the porn/hacker debacle.

Its a 6 piece set....table, 4 chairs, umbrella...with back and seat cushions! Normally sells for $420....he got it for $109!!! Gotta love those end of summer sales! He knows the way to my heart is a sweetheart deal.

He might even get some tonight.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The BIG Camp post---FINALLY

That which appears in brackets was what I was able to salvage...

[Where to start?....How about the beginning?

We left around 1:45 on Sunday, the 24th...laughing and giggling...Blaine, Mozzy and me. We set Mozzy up in the back seat with Blaine to watch Napolean Dynamite. Mozzy won't wear headphones, so I set it to come through the car speakers....They watched in back and I relived the movie by audio. It was as funny/dorky as I remember.

A trip that normally takes about 3 hours took us almost 6. There was a road rage fatality and both directions of the freeway were closed. We came to a screeching halt about 45 minutes into our trip...I'm SO glad we had a movie!! I'm also mad at myself for not checking the roads online before we left, but oh well, we made it fun.

After crawling along for the duration of the movie, we finally came upon a rest stop. It was like going to Woodstock. People had abandoned their cars along the highway, and trekked in on foot. We all had to pee, so we followed suit. The rest stop was jammed with cars, people and dogs...glad to be OUT of those cars.

The vending machines were decimated. Completely empty. The line for the bathroom was ridiculous, snaking around the building. It was then that I taught Blaine a valuable lesson about the MEN'S ROOM....

After many years as a concert goer, I learned that as long as you act like you own the place and cruise in fast, most of the guys in a men's room don't care if a woman is in there, or are too mortified to move....you only see their backs anyway....The one stalled toilet is almost always empty and usually clean. I told her that until she was 18, she couldn't do this without me, and that after that, she must ALWAYS have a buddy. I'm such a hypocrite. I've used the men's room solo countless times. ]

Finally arrived at our hotel around 7:30. I pledge to always check road conditions in the future.

It was hot in Portland. The pool was a welcome relief. Blaine had one of her bandmates, Lauren, visit for a swim a couple times during the week. Lauren lives in the Portland area and her Mom was Camp manager the first year Blaine went to camp. We know them pretty well, so when she offered to host Blaine next year, I accepted immediately. I can't wait to send her down on her own!

Camp went pretty well, except for Blaine telling the doc guys to back off. But after they did, she seemed to enjoy herself even more. The meet and greet with The Donnas was a highlight for her. All in all, it was wonderful for Blaine. She got a chance to reconnect with old friends and made some new ones, too.

The documentary process, I'm told, can take up to 2 years, I don't know if I can wait that long. Camp, as usual, was awesome...I can't wait to see it on film. Camp makes a DVD of the showcase(Sat night), those should arrive soon....I think I ordered 4? I had to make sure that Mozzy would get a copy and get to SEE the show....

But Mozzy went with you, you say, didn't she SEE the showcase?
Well, no. Thursday night, Mozzy got sick. Puking. Endlessly. Finally got her to try some Gatorade and she seemed to be doing better on Friday, sleeping most of the day. She was miserable. Being sick, away from your own bed, sucks. I hung out with her on Friday, staying in the room most of the day, watching TV.

I left around 5pm, to pick up Blaine from camp. By the time we got back, an hour later, she had taken a nose dive. I have never seen my mother this sick before. She was incoherant. I felt her forehead and she was burning up. She had dry heaves that wouldn't stop. I was able to get her to the car with Blaine's help. I was really afraid, and tried not to panic, for Blaine, but inside I was falling apart. We took her to Providence Hospital which was about 2 miles away...but seemed more like a million while driving there.

They took her immediately into the ER, evaluated her, and said she had the flu and was severely dehydrated. They administered IV fluids and meds. I called my Dad to tell him what was going on. When able to speak coherently, Mozzy said she wanted to go HOME...I called my Dad with the news, he had already packed a bag and talk to Hubs, who was coming with him.

The doctor wanted to keep Mozzy over night, but she wouldn't have any of it. After a few hours in the ER, we took her back to the hotel and made her as comfy as possible. Hubs and Dad arrived very late that night.

We all stayed in the room that night. Mozzy slept with the help of good drugs. Blaine slept on the floor(we didn't want to wait for a cot).

Early Saturday morning, my Dad made a bed for my Mom in the back of his car, made her take a sedative, put her in the back seat and covered her with her down comforter...We all said our goodbyes, I'm sorrys, and feel betters....then my Dad drove away. It was heart breaking for all of us. Especially Blaine.

But the good news is that she is 100% better now....it took a week of sleep, but she feels fine now.

The Showcase was at a new venue this year...The Wonder Ballroom. It is an old big band dance hall from the 30's or 40's. Not exactly a great place for a rock show. The stage is small and it is standing room only...and hot as fuck. The thing I found most disappointing was the lack of a marquee...I'll never forget the first time Blaine saw GIRLS ROCK CAMP SHOWCASE up on the marquee...it was like being famous. Misty(camp founder) told us she's going back to The Aladdin, if they will have her...

We arrived at the Ballroom early, to see if we could help out. Blaine and her bandmates readied themselves with all the other campers, backstage. Hubs and I were given door duty....we stood outside in front and took tickets and directed foot traffic for about an hour. I had the most fun making sure little kids and old people knew the rock salute!

The Showcase was great! The girls really pulled out all the stops and gave great performances....they sang about everything from puppy dogs to hating Bush, it was quite a mixture.

And the outfits! Blaine and her bandmates chose a classic look of jeans and black shirts, Blaine added a tiara and tattoo for flair, while others went wild....one girl wearing a flag in distress, upside down, as a skirt. The showcase and camp are all about letting the girls express themselves....and they did. Excellently.

I never realized how close the girls become during camp until it was time to say goodbyes....Blaine hugged Lauren....Lauren looked right at me, with tears welling up, and said "Wow. Thats a big deal for her, shes not the touchy feely type." Truer words have not been said. Hugging is a HUGE deal for Blaine. I'm certain they will be lifelong friends.

There was a horrible technical mishap during the showcase. The memory card for our crappy camera slipped out of its slot, sitting in position, but not clicked into place, so the only pictures from the showcase are the ones that were taken before the mishap, and after it was discovered. FUCK. No pictures from the actual performance came out. I was devastated. The card was "in" the slot, so the pictures didn't come up on the camera's memory as I had hoped. Piece of shit camera....getting a new one for sure. I am expecting pictures from other parents...will post when I get them.

Blaine seems to be filled with a new confidence and creative spark. Camp is always rejuvinating for her. She spoke of blue streaks in her hair on the ride home. I just hope she doesn't chicken out.

That pretty much wraps camp week....
Blaine did the Nick News interview via email after we got back. I'll let you know when it will be posted on the site.

Ever wonder where the band Sleater Kinney got their name?

The week after camp, Hubs was off. A good thing , too, because its always better to have the object of your frustation in front of you when you are screaming about what a fucking moron he is.

The zucchini grew a shitload while I was away...we had to resort to covert ops...All I can say is....LOCK YOUR CAR WHEN YOU GO INSIDE THE STORE....you never know what will be waiting for you if you don't.

Lastly, we have a new addition to the family...
Blaine got a rat. She named him Speck, because of the white speck of fur on his head. He is only a few weeks old so he is still quite small....he looks more like a mouse. But he will start looking ratty in no time. He is absolutely adorable and we have all fallen in love with him....especially Ivy, our bitchy old cat.

You are all up to speed and I am all blogged out...this post ends here.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Okay! I'm back!! I hope you all haven't forgotten me!

Computer took a major dump and life has been hectic trying to correct everything. But all is well now. Apparently we had a relentless highjacker/hacker/mother fucker...screwed us royal! We have had to close accounts, get new cards, change passwords and IDs and everything...what a pain in the ass. Being without the web was like living in The Dark Ages.

That's what happens when I'm away...Hubs gets horny and goes surfing...At least, we think thats when HE picked it up...(HE disputes it...DumbAss.)

Thank goodness for small town banks that notice unusual activity. And they didn't hold us liable for any of it.

I think Hubs has learned his lesson...friggin' idiot!

Have to rewrite long-ass blog entry that disappeared...should have it up by Monday night!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Back from Camp....must recuperate....will blog in a couple days.