With fingernails that shine like justice...

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass, she is fast, thorough and sharp as a tack. She is touring the facility and picking up slack...

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Portland Wrap Up

Holy crap. I can't believe it took me more than two days to recover. The pain and hangover were well worth it!

I have a renewed energy and drive for derby greatness, now that I have witnessed it live. It is truly awesome and I HIGHLY recommend that everyone seek out and attend a roller derby bout in their town. You won't regret it.

The skill and finesse with which these ladies skate is pure and athletic. The bouts themselves, are more like a fast moving, full contact chess game, rather than an all-out cat fight on wheels, like some people may think. It is just as much about sacrifice as it is about speed and blocking. Taking penalties is more about gaining the upper hand than it is about unnecessary roughness.

Hopefully, I will, one day, be half as good as the ladies we saw.

After the bout, we went to the fore mentioned Outlaw for the after party. It sucked, so we went half a block up the street to Union Jack's. A very cool strip club featuring Suicide-type Girls, with lots of piercings and tattoos. I'm not a strip club regular and far from an aficionado, but this place was awesome! The highlight of the evening was a stripper named Porcelain, who came out and did her act on....wait for it....ROLLER SKATES!!! The place, which was wall to wall derby girls and devotees, went flippin' ape-shit. I had the best time.

I never thought that I was the strip club type, never really thought about it much. But I had a blast! The dancers were not raunchy like I thought they would be. It was very campy and Burlesque-like, and watching pole dancing is akin to watching Chinese acrobats. Sure they were naked, but after the initial flush of embarrassment, I ceased to notice. Dancers, coupled with the best chocolate martini I've ever had, will be making UJ's part of every Portland visit from now on.

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

P.S.S. (Delayed...I was partyin', yo)

Friday, January 26, 2007

Go Rat City!!!!

A bunch of us Roller Vixens are going to caravan down to Portland to see Rose City Rollers VS. Rat City Rollergirls. We'll be cheering on our favorite Grave Danger team member, Sake Bomb. Before the bout, maybe I'll drink a few for luck!!

We leave in the morning. The day's agenda:

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Helsinki Complaints Choir

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Cure

Do you have it?
A cure for the "I suck at derby blues"......

I seem to have not only stalled, but REGRESSED. Not merely stagnating, but DEVOLVING....GETTING WORSE.

Sure, everyone has a shitty practice now and then. I can understand that. But this has gone on for the last 4 or 5.

Do I lay off for a few days or make myself skate every available session I can find? Do I quit?

Its killing me because this is something I'm supposed to be good at doing. And right now, I suck at it.

At the rate I'm going now, I will never pass requirements.

Its demoralizing.

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Monday, January 22, 2007

A note to the fellas...

Okay. Let's get one thing straight here. Rubbing your prick between the cheeks of my ass at 4:30 in the morning does NOT qualify as foreplay. Also, when I refuse moves that shitty, you have no right to get pissed.

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Sunday, January 21, 2007


How sad.


Saturday, January 13, 2007


It says:
....I have done it in 14 countries


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Trying out the new phone....

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

For Snay

Find The Smell

I hate that game!!
It went something like this:

FG(sitting on couch, after practice): What's that smell? It smells like feet and ass!

Hubs: maybe its you.

FG: I'm serious, what the hell is that smell?

Hubs: I'm serious, maybe its you.

FG: Are you sure its not your feet?

Hubs(grinning): Are you sure its not you?

FG gets up, smells self...not good,but not the offending odor...smells couch, smells dogs, smells dog bed, gives Hubs the once-over, picks up and (*KIDS: Do NOT try this at home!) smells Hub's motorcycle boots, smells coats on rack...catches whiff of odor again.....

Drops to knees on floor....almost loses after-practice snack...
FG: Its the fucking CARPET!!

What followed was a barrage of questions.

What the hell made the carpet stink in that one spot? Is it from your rain gear dripping on the floor?(I'm pretty sure thats it, I told him to hang that wet crap in the garage, btw) Have you worn your workboots home(remember, he's a meat cutter)? Why did we get rid of the steam cleaner again?

Then, it got comical...
Why are you grinning at me?! Can't you fucking SMELL that? You think this is FUNNY?!?

Hubs(with a straight face): I still think its you.

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Broken finger


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Monday, January 08, 2007

Who was that woman at the bar Saturday night?

Oh. Holy crap. It was me.
And as ACW pointed out, it was not only my first time doing karaoke, It was also my first blotto blog session. Double yeah!

I blame derby girls. They are a horrible influence on me. Just look at the debauchery...Here's NicRoll FeelYa and some hot derby ass....neither of which is mine, by the way.

I think my first tattoo is next on their agenda.

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Sunday, January 07, 2007

Holhyy shitface, Bastman!~!!!!!

ITs all Amber fault;. I popped my karaoke cherry totonited.
"Shoort Skirt, Longgg Jacket" by CAKE. Holy mother...fuckin shit I'm so gfuckinh wastef


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Mara woul;d be proud......

I poPpped myu karaoke cherrry tonight. To >>
Short skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake. I rocked the fricken] houdse.l And I think I got a coiple derby recuits as well. Bully!~ for me!

End dtrunk blogging post.l

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Saturday, January 06, 2007

Fat Bottomed Girls...

Sure we make the rockin' world go round.....

but, apparently, we must do so naked, or dressed like shit. Today, I looked every-fucking-place to find SOMETHING that qualifies as "cute derby attire" for Sunday's practice(The paper's gonna be there, yo) and found NOTHING. I'm so fucking depressed right now.

That's all. Thanks for listening to the fat girl bitch.

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

Jeffrey, You officially RAWK!!!!

This virtual brew is for you!

Thank you SO much!!


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Upgrade, my ass!

Fuck. Fucky fuckity fuck fuck. Fucking Blogger.

Thats it. No more risk-taking for me.

I'm devastated.

My blog is essentially GONE.

Hopefully the good folks at Blogger can help me retrieve it....I don't even remember all the stuff I had on it.

But lookit that REALLY COOL LABEL. That makes it all worth it.



Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New Year....New Blogger Blog

I'm all about risk-taking, lately. There's the whole derby thing, then there's the REALLY risky stuff.....

Today I switched my blog over to the new blogger. I held my breath and pressed the button. I must admit, it was pretty scary...my rants and ravings could have easily disappeared with a click. But they didn't.

And I was able to exhale.

Does it still look okay to you?